Dear Family and Friends,
I am pretty sure you are all having a difficult time deciding what to get for me for my birthday. Due to my importance to you all, I know the coming ten days or so will be most difficult for you as you decide what is most appropriate for me. I’m a very considerate person, and that’s why I’m here to put you out of your misery (certainly not by killing you). I’m here to help you and offer you some tips on what you can get me; what will likely get you a loud and resonating thank as against a long cold stare.
But before we talk about gifts, let’s get this disturbing issue out of the way. And that’s the issue of electronic messages and other allied matters. These have become a very irritating cliché and as a writer, I have been warned to steer clear of them lest they crawl their dirty way into my work and cause you and me incalculable embarrassment when fault finding critics start pointing them out. So, no to messages like HBD, LLNP etc. What do they even mean? High Building Destroyed? High Blood Detected? Long Life No Progress? Love Lost No Problem?
Do not send me those birthday messages you find in those #20 love message books you buy on the street of Shomolu. I hate them and I might hate you too if you dare punish me with those badly written words from those high school drop outs. Pleeeaaaseeee. Also, do me a favour and disable your Facebook spammy automatic Birthday cards. This is a sure cause of pollution to my serene page. And the last thing I want is for machines to join in the celebration of my day. Human only please. Phone messages are allowed but they must be original and not previously published or simultaneously sent.
Now, in lieu of these messages, we can do the greetings the old school way. Send me cheap greeting cards (#500 own should do; I’m a socialist, remember?). Endeavor to add a personal touch to the card; don’t dare send them the way they are. Write a short poem or message or even testimony or appreciation (yeah, I take that too, but only from the people in my beneficiaries list) on the card. If your handwriting is like my doctor’s, please do us both a favour and have it typed and professionally glued to the card. Phone calls are acceptable, but as they cannot be saved for future reference, I will advise you to consider them as only a bonus. Please and please, on no account should you take a page out in the newspaper for a congratulatory message (I certainly do not want my parents’ house stampeded by hungry touts looking for free foods).
Ok. Now that we have cleared that out of the way, let’s move on to more important issue and the main reason why birthday celebration was invented. Gifts! As a socialist, I will strongly advice you against buying me cars and houses. I have been informed that due to my reluctance to join the pinging class that some of you have decided to buy me one of those stupid smart phones. Don’t! Use the money instead for a good cause (like donating fifty copies of City of Memories or Salute to Bori to schools), but of course in my name.